Thursday, October 28, 2010
@ 11:16 PM
A moment ago i was in lost. Now all i know is i am still shivering in fear in i dunno what fuck. I am crying here alone. Do you know? I am so afraid of losing you with each fucking day. i tell myself its ok no matter what. I have friends who faced problems worst than me. This is nothing. fuck la hor. how to be ok. i can't bring myself to say it, i can't bring myself to do it. I am afraid of telling you all those things that i know. I am afraid to tell you how i really think and feel. I am afraid you will find me childish and paranoid. But do you know how i really feel for you? I want to hug you so badly right now cause by holding you i know that you are safe. I just want to protect you from any harm and danger. I am scared that one day that mother fucker will cheat on you. i am scared that he will plot something on you. You can say i am paranoid and overprotective. But i can't help when i see him. Thoughts are running through my mind like expressway. i scared that you will fall for his trap. how am i to tell you. how how how!
The way you sms, reply, talk to me, react to me. makes me really feel like standing infront of a F1 car and get bang. All i ask for is care and concern from you. All i wish for is to hear your voice and see you. Anything else don't matters.
I haven't got a good night sleep ever since. I jump out of bed, i get cold sweat, i got shocked that i yelled till i woke up. I dreamt of you every fucking night. I dunno why. I just wish that you will be there for me and tell me everything is ok. But where were you? i want to be there for you. i wish for the same treatment back.
To you? i dunno. you may think that i am pure annoying trying to gain ur attention. I dunno how you think. i can sms you, msn you, and you can don't reply me. I duno why. I am paranoid now. Every single thing you do i can't help but to think alot.
I don't wish to use hate to forget you. you don't deserve that. please stop mind fucking me so badly.
我现在感觉非常的绝望。绝望到我死死都相信和期待奇迹的出现。就算全世界的人告诉我奇迹从不出现我还是会等。可能只有绝望的人才会期望有奇迹。我不想后悔。
@ 11:04 PM
what the fucking hell is driving me nuts! fuck. i don't know. why can i feel that i have so many different thoughts so many me. WHY. i can't control myself. fuck. i feel like dying now to stop all the fucking misery in me. Its going to reach a point where i don't know if even you can help me. FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
@ 10:27 PM
After hitting the gym yesterday with Kelvin today woke up with intense muscleache. It was packed so we literally rush and went for dinner.
Today poly 50 was just fucked up for me. I injured my hand, my toe got stepped on many times. I was fucking pissed cause you that fucking someone. I wish i could empty a round of magazine into his head another magazine into his every part of the body!
Why do i have to go through this SHIT!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
@ 12:21 PM
Yesterday I saw the wrong timetable and came to school early for nothing. I could have slept in more and charge up my beauty sleep. So i stayed in FC5 do report and watch show all the way to kill time. Lessons were pretty interesting and then after class i went to raffles.
Met up with Gwen, its been like 3-4 years since i last met her. So went for dinner then ESKI bar to drink and chat. I wrote in an application. If its successful, i will be working at ESKI bar!!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
@ 1:44 PM
sorry body for screwing you up. I woke up at 11am but had my heavy breakfast at 10.30pm! went to night safari and chill and then alittle disappointed that suddenly so little people turn up for supper. Stayed out alone for an hour plus waiting to meet friends to go nike physical race together.
The race was indeed tiring, for some reason i had muscle aches on my thigh and butt muscle before i even ran. Plus my ball of feet and toe condition i didn't run fast.
Due to me smoking heavily recently again and the haze i think i am feeling sick now. Diahhorea 2 times at marina sq. Bad breakfast experience. Decided to cab home and rest. i just remembered i had to finish a report by tomorrow! CCB.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
@ 11:01 AM
Friday i lose a attendance for nothing. Thanks to haja who tole me no lesson so i stayed at home and then KK facebook status "tutorial class only 4 people" FML!! Lunch in school then meet chelsea and then went for work at safari.
Last night working was fun, small kids asked my for my autograph(without a paper and pen) another small kid gave me sweets treats. Alot of cute japs too! however it all ended with a rather pissed off way. A retarded motherfucker who deserves to burn in hell came.
Fucked my whole night up real badly.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
@ 11:24 PM
Today is like the first day of school for me. I attended a full day lesson from 9am-5pm. Few events makes my blood boil. I held back from smoking, and just when i thought everything will be fine. I freaking lose my temper and thrash it out in the gym, on myself on everything. Tell me how!?! its not as easy as i thought.
@ 10:34 AM
Lesson on tuesday was just a total waste of time. I had LOA i still went cause it states PRACTICAL! I woke up a little later so i rushed for class and class have not start. Soon after i reach it started with a 10min video. Afterwhich thats the end of the class and marks the end of the day for studying. WTF!!! i rush to school for a bloody ideo screening session which i thought was a practical. NB!
Out for nasi lemak supper at chong pang last night. 1.30am then reach home. by the time i sleep 2.30am. Had to wake up at 7.30am. where is the 8 hours of sleep i promised myself!!
Today first lesson 1 hour. Avionic system was just blah blah blah, typical indian lecturer with a typical slang and typical student who don't understand and sleep in class. Guess what practical lesson is cancelled so here i am blogging. next lesson beins at 2pm and end at 5pm. FUCKING waste of time. why no one tell me today so fucked up. i would have skip lesson and sleep more. TMD!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
@ 3:14 AM
Had LOA but still went for class. Good student yea? Almost gave up studying after listening to Garnesh for 1 hour in his don't understand-a-single-shit-boring Mechanics 3 lecture.
Haze situation is real bad, i am gonna fall sick real soon.
Went home and then out again. Bugis with Kel, Grace and Melvin. Random stuffs and funny jokes and stupid stuffs. Went to some void deck and talk about things troubling Kelvin. Felt bad that i could not think of a solution to help him and godma. Could only stand by him and just walk this through.
I wish i could help him, if i could help him, i should be able to help myself in this family situation i face now. SHAGG!
Where is the 8hours of sleep i promised myself. Its 3am plus and i am waiting for my hair to dry, i have to wake up at 9am for class. I have LOA but its practical, i don't want to arrange for a make up session. DANG!
Sometimes a teenager should not know about all the woes and worries that adult life have. It will only traumatize us.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
@ 12:08 AM
Monday, October 18, 2010
@ 11:56 PM
Quick update here.
due to my injury i thought i would be a good boy and stay at home, who knows GLENDA thought i was well known in everything asked me over to her place for mahjong session. Thanks btw, however sorry to disappoint you all i dunno how to play mahjong. I learnt how to play though and won a game which i played in. ( i only play 1 game 自摸！）
Thanks Kelvin for force starting your car to come fetch me, Drived to seng kang to pick up some cables, too bad can't stop by for supper at kovan cause the battery spoil. So drive back to his place and eat delifrance in esso!
Chat till 2.30am before cabbing home. Slept at 3am.
waking up unwillingly to visit the doctor at bukit batok polyclinic. Nothing serious cause swelling subside alittle. X-rayed and no crack or fracture! Thanks man, it was a good news. Though much time was wasted in the polyclinic going from different room to different rooms. Got MC and today was lectures so i decided to skip and go meet brian.
Thanks to him for lending me money for breakfast and movie. TMD! my POSB no money then had to pay cash and everything on me. So was penniless. Nap at brian's house before going to causeway to meet Yong Ting for EAT.PRAY.LOVE.. 2nd time watching it and still its nice though some part can really bores me. Nice movie. I love Italy part, its just eat and eat and eat like no tomorrow. Italy is the SEX.
Went to God-ma place to slack and chat with Kel. Miracle that i nv drink wo! Thought it would be nice to drink a cup or 3 of Heineken.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
@ 3:32 PM
I need a doctor now!! The front part of my left foot got run over by a tram at night safari! It was not really my fault or anyone else fault as it is not done by anyone. Its one of 'them' who push my leg calf towards the tram wheel while i was running. The split second was like 10seconds to me. How i try to pull my leg back but just can't and when it was ran over by the wheel. Bad one there. My toe nail is coming off, my ball of the foot now start to hurts badly after i wake up.
What a screwed up night.
Another reason why its screwed up cause i have to partner with someone else for work tonight. Well, the organisers have their difficulties if they change his or mine role. I did my part my best and gave him a good scolding. Don't understand why is people of his characther and high class live want to come and do these shits to flirt girls.
Supper at CCK mac! 302 close!!! why why why!?!
i think i tmr then go polyclinic before going school! haven't bank in my cheque yet.
Pictures are up on facebook for wavehouse and night safari halloween special.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
@ 12:37 AM
Thanks kelvin and grace, when i drop my tears their silence understands it all and gave me a consoling hug. Thanks! I wish i could go batam with you all this sunday if not for my god damn passport!!!!
Today was rather pissed. Went to sentosa for tanning and sleeping at the beach. There is like so little people not much things we can do too. but i went wavehouse for flowrider barrel ride. Its the artificial wave and pictures not up yet.
Night safari was not that naise!!! The gui mansion was just me hiding trying to scare my own friends, the tram ride was god damn boring for me and those wakeboarders. Cause so many ghost go break, like 5 of them. They scare 1st and 3rd cabin we were in the 2nd one. Forest giant trail was so so la, cause its a short distance.
Its funny to see how Don and Chelsea got scared badly. And how some of them try to scare me but i 'just forget' to show that i am scared. HAHAHA.
Thanks for the insect repellent from xinlei, if not i will kena alot alot of mosquito bites.
Funny how some ghost no matter how i talk to them and stare into their eyes they still stay in characther damn well. But some just shout " i am XXX" EPIC fail! even my friends were like "ivan your XXX friend call you" Disgrace to that costume, cause i am going to wear them! TMD!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
@ 1:06 AM
Skip going to school for FYP, i was tired so might as well skip and do more R&D at home since i got work later that day. Plus our goal is different, you people aiming for the honour to display our project in the classroom. I am aiming for my project to be showcased in the tentage! not even a 2nd leve lof honour in the workshop. Decided not to put in so much effort into this got damn aeroplane if all you jokers are aiming are to go into classroom.
Work was fine just a few scares today and dinner at 302 with some scare crews and OCs. I am shagg.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
@ 12:25 AM
The day started bad however as time pass by things gets better.
suppose to reach schoo lat 9am i woke up at 9am. I pressed stop instead of snooze. Luckily i woke up with a shock from a dream. Nightmare i would say. Well carry on. Pissed with my team mate for the most simple thing. As a friend, as a team mate this kind of thing should not happen and with that bloody explanation. FUCKED UP i would say.
Problems, questions, doubts were running in my mind when this project started, however each tie i raised them you guys nv answer and it became unheard like that. Or best brush me off. Today 2 points/questions raised among all the questions raised by the FYP lecturers were the ones i thought of. Guess what i got from my team mates? Silence and a pissed of reply, everytime after a review then you say you last time got say before. What am i to say. I am so fucking pissed!
Went for lunch with wakers and out for a movie since my appointment was cancelled last minute. Its a nice movie, EAT, PRAY, LOVE. it wasn't the kind of boring shit i expected it to be. Though they relate the movie to somehow like my situation i would say, yea abit similar. But i wish i was the female lead too. My current life now is totally incapable of doing those stuffs. The movie however somehow enlighten me alittle.
Dinner at mad jack and we went seperate ways. I went causeway point to meet grace and Kelvin. Its always nice to go out with them, eat and chit chat at playground. Somehow after going out with them, and after the movie with the wakers, i seems to have let things go alittle and felt better definitely.
New lease of life. I shall put in my best in everything and gonna get a new haircut!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
@ 11:38 PM
Its a long and tiring day to the max. Woke up and all i can do is just wash up and rush to bishan to meet Julien. Guess what i am early by 1 hour. We went to mediacorp for some interview which i am keeping it a secret for now. MUAHAHAHAHAAA..
Due to the interview purpose, we had to go around singapore doing something. Morning to night outside bussing around. My $1 coins in my wallet are vanishing! Need to stock up the lucky coin again.
Well i am going to stop asking why and tell myself be glad that things didn't turn out worst. Allizwell!
@ 2:32 AM
Slept at 5am and woke up at 8am. barely 3hours of rest i dreamt of that image again. It shocked me badly and i cou;d sleep anymore. What is happening? Why am i going nuts?
Work was better than yesterday just that i got my hand crushed and survived.
While waiting for bus i wish i didn't move away from gary's path. I wish the just come into me and allow me to just rest.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
@ 4:29 AM
Excused myself from FYP today, expecting a tiring night from halloween. i was early and brought my lappy with me to watch movie. My make up took only 5minutes and well i waited from 2.30 to 6.30 before heading out to my respective station. Great laughs at some gay guy to compensate the time there waiting. Pretty fucked up to bully the gay boy, but who cares, i am feeling fucked up now and i don't care if i am seen as a fucked up guy.
Changed into my costume and felt funny wearing the boots, it felt like tiny stones in between the boots and my socks, but i was too lazy to bother. Minutes later i felt something crawling up my leg and i thought was just the table cloth, to my horror my boots were infested with ants, commando ants. Lucky for me they seems to have been starved for a week, no energy bite me.
Today job was more of a chore, The night sky is so bright element of darkness couldn't be put into play nicely, So many fucked up idiots who do not understand english or their own language "NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY" They think they are braved and go for the ride and gave me a few punches. They think they are funny and cool to act like a bloody joke.
The flashes caused me to fall off the tram and into the bushes, lucky for me the bushes somehow acted like a spring and pushes me back upright, however i was literally flashbanged!
Halfway through, a disturbing image flashed in my mind, i got a spilt headache almost immediately, i couldn't help but to drop you a msg of concern. All i got back was a message that felt like a harsh treatment reply. I was devastated. I don't deserve this really. That moment i felt that i could take it no more and wished i could stand infront of the tram and get banged and get serverly injured and stay in hospital and cut off from the world.
After work met kelvin and grace at 302 @ 2am for supper. I miss those time when we just go out have fun, sit down chat and smoke. left at 3.30am and walk my way home. by the time i reach home freaking 4am. on the way, at 2 different location i can feel them following me and disturbing me. One of them was obviously tapping my bag, i could freaking hear the taps and felt it on my bag. Another one was just following me. Well i am too tired and fucked up to be affected.
sometimes i really wish to say them out, but i can't bring myself to say.
Well for those who try to talk to me in msn, show me vids to cheer me up, dunno why am i so fucked up recently, i don't really want to say, but if you do really want to know what is going on in my life right now. www.theycallmeshortlikesbeautiful.blogspot.com is the answer.
here are pictures of chloe and magret camwhoring with my webcam.
its 5am i should get my rest already.
Friday, October 8, 2010
@ 12:18 AM
School for FYP and it is the toughest challenge of the project. Fabricating of the channel wing. If it spoils i gonna cry my heart out. So difficult to make.
Went to wirda's house for hari raya, nice food and all the snacks. sit down and watch 3 idiots again.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
@ 10:34 PM
FYP in the morning and great plane was briefly assembled and able to tax abit, due to the nose landing gear, i couldn't tax straight. Didn't dare to let it take flight so drift around with the plane and spoilt the propeller. Success is coming i can smell it. I am diverting my attention to my FYP and i am going to aim for SPinnovex!
Lavender for hobby shop to check out airplanes stuffs. Tomorrow have to repair the plane with the advices and steps given by the laojiaos. Got home changed and went for a long run.
Just nice saw Lydia my jogging buddy. Jogged to BPP for dinner then jog back home. Personal training to cover up for tomorrow training which i am skipping.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
@ 11:51 PM
Monday training was shagg la. Training for poly 50 and its only a few laps.
Tuesday is just FYP, gonna make that plane do taxxing tomorrow i guess. Hospital to visit The Lee family. "happily" aka Happy lee which is unofficial name for Law's baby.
Did some casual chat with Law and Yi Cai which leads to something that i am trying to grasp. I am still finding the meaning of my life.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
@ 3:53 PM
Friday morning went for my kayaking 1 star course. I am still used to strokes of dragonboat. Was bloody slow in learning single kayak, i still prefer double kayak. Rush off quickly to go to night safari for work. First night as ghost, work is rather fun! Scare 80% of the trams passengers with the price of having my right toes crushed by the trams wheel twice. by the time reach home 2.30am already.
Saturday morning once again continue my kayak course, still sucky. Worst still mood went bad. Not enough rest, mentally and physically tired. bad mood came and fucked my time badly. After lunch smoke 2 sticks and felt better, but not long later, things start to gets bad again. I can't handle my emotions well enough. 2nd night of scaring event was awesome, alot of good feedbacks and comments. well left toe got crush once, face bang into the tram front, was used as a punching bag 4 times. drinking 3 bottles of water and didn't pee cause it all came off as sweat. Sweat like i just swam finish.
I'm still finding my god damn phone. left it on silent due to work, lost somewhere in my house!
