Yet another heart wrenching news caught my attention. The passing on of another of my friend, Wendy Tan. I don't know of the cause of it but i presume is her body condition. It was a pretty sudden news tho. I didn't expect something to happen to her after she recover form such a long stay in the hospital.

Who's gonna go sentosa to tan with me next time?

Not too long ago another of my friend Joshua Chia passed on. I had this weird dream for the night and didn't felt well about it. I was afraid that my nightmare will come true again somehow. It came true and another friend left me. Just how long will i have to go through such shits? Its scary to have nightmare coming true most of the time.

With the recent unfortunate event which sentence me to 7 days stay in the singapore arm forces detention barrack makes me contemplate about my life. Throughout that 7 days of torture, i felt as though i was the lowest life form. Being treated worst than any stray dogs and cats which i used to took care of. i began to hate myself even more for causing myself to be landed in such a place. My simple thoughts of complacent, my simple action of not checking the rounds, cause me to live in a stuffy small cell which is my bedroom, toilet and dining room.


I began my first day in DB complaining, grumbling and blaming others for my downfall. It was hell of a day, time seems to move so so slowly. To begin with my watch was to be kept away so i can't look at time neither is there a clock. i almost went insane, banging my head against the wall, staring into space as though i am possessed or something. I crouched by a corner in the cell refusing to communicate with anybody. When the first night falls i had a hard time sleeping. Even when i am so used to sleep in any condition and environment i wasn't any comfortable sleeping with 4 guys, in a 4.5m by 4.5m cells. I was given only a blanket and a mat. i could make do without a blanket but not a pillow so i turn my blanket into a make shift pillow. Just when i fell asleep a streak of lighting lit up the sky and the rolling thunder that followed it seems to surround me. Awoken by it i woke up realizing i was tearing throughout my sleep. Rain pelted onto me despite sleeping far away from the small window. Despite the endless effort of heavy rain and the cold wind coming at me, i still refused to use my 'pillow' as it original purpose, a blanket.


Morning came without even the sun breaking its light into the dark sky i knew one thing for sure, i survived the first day and night. After breakfast the challenge began to present itself infront me. It was nothing. LITERALLY nothing. with so much time to spare yet nothing to spend it on, its just mind-fucking. Without any device or equipment to tell time, i could only estimate time by judging from the shadow, sounds that are generated from television and ruckus from various sources. Thats basically what i face everyday for the 7 days except a few notorious regime here and there.


I took this chance to re-practice what i have learn in buddhism, meditation. For some reason the irritating annoying tingling feeling around my neck did not bother me on my first attempt. Through the first attempt i realized that i should change, change my thoughts and views on certain aspect of life, my life especially. I see that there are so much more out there which i do not know, so much for me to learn, so much to gain. I tried to plan my future with my remaining 6 days of stay. following the next 6 days i couldn't meditate ay future reason being the strangling feeling which makes me feel like i am suffocating around my neck came back. I begin to doubt again about my practice. Does it really suits me? Whatever i learnt i found them to be practical but somehow i still won't practice them because i don't see the result. Even if i seen it, i couldn't prove the involvement and link i still can't trust it 100%. I felt lost. I tried to find a salvation, salvation from whatever i am facing. The only thing i could think of is live strong and stay cheerful and cry myself to sleep every night.


Life inside DB was better and i opened up to my cell mates. I tried to talk to them and it helps to kill time much faster. I decided to give it 1 more try, to try to live my life better. I have also decided to give meditation another try, however it fails me. Despite that i still try to tell myself to live strong.


Following the unfortunate experience in DB i face yet another saddening news. A poly friend of mine chosen his path in life, a selfish decision which cause nothing but sadness and anger among all his friends. He chose to take his own life. At the acknowledgement of his departure i felt devastated. When i first met him, we hit it off well as though we were childhood friends. I couldn't accept the fact that he has chosen this path without even telling me about it. I went back my old ways drowning my sorrows with alcohol and nicotine. I was angry and yet at the same time sad. I told myself that it was indeed a very selfish idea to leave all your friends and love ones behind to cry for you, feel sad for you when you happily kick the bucket. Especially when you call me your friend yet i could not do anything for you. it ashamed me alot. I admire your courage for i am too coward to hurt myself this way. I too find it shameful to call you my friend cause you did not care for my feelings. I was glad i did not do anything stupid before.


Having so little true friends depsite having more than 1000 friends in facebook is just another sad truth. People whom i call friends, brother, sister step by step they gain my trust, stab by stab they betrayed me. Leaving me alone to fend off insults and shame.


I wondered how long it would be before the pain found me, even this deep within the psychic landscape of my own fabrication. I lied to myself that ii would forget her and move on after she choose to end our relationship. Its been almost 3 years and all i did was to miss you even more. i pretended to be happy, i pretended that i am fine, pretended that i am used to facing every knockbacks alone. I can lied about being fine when i am hurt, when i'm sad. i acted as though i am happy when i'm cold and alone. i can still find a glimpse of light and hope for something nice to fall upon me when i know i have fucked up my life. I find it amusing that i tried to lied to an invention of my own imagination.


I've been living my 21 years of life trying to satisfy others but never once i live my life for my own. Everything i did, i do it for my friends for others. I have no goals in life, i do not know what i want whatever i want for. All i know is whatever i get i give it all to others. THEN why the hell should i live on? Can i be selfish for once and think for myself? i find it a torture this way. I can't bear to see any of you suffer even if it means tormenting my soul all these while. i tried my best to make everyone i loved and deared happy. I felt happy that i am able to put a smile on someone else's face but deep down somewhere, i felt like an idiot for creating that smile on your face at the price of my own happiness, time and health.


Having made so much friends here and there i really don't wish to hurt them even in the slightest way, so how can i choose the selfish path to take my own life? Taking into account that i am a coward whom is scare of pain and hardship. I tried to think of making my life better but it was for who? For others or for myself?